Rain & Flowers

For the last week or so Dylan has been asking about Lincoln a lot. We recently had a conversation before he went to bed about what dying meant and what heaven is...the best that I could. I explained that Lincoln was born very sick and now he lives in heaven and that he will stay there forever with Jesus. Dylan responded almost in tears saying, "but I don't want to go to heaven because I won't live with you anymore". After some tears from me he asked why I was sad and I told him that I missed Lincoln very much. He then tried to comfort me by saying "well, you have Cadence & me. Does that make you happy?" I will cherish this conversation forever.

Last night during Dylan's prayers before bed he "thanked God for the rain that makes the flowers grow".

I'm not sure that I am able to say I am thankful for the rain that life has brought but I am for the flowers that have grown. There is good that can come...

Updated pics

First Friday Artwalk

Tonight I went to First Fridays Artwalk to check out what Sarah Castillo was selling to raise money for homes that are being built for those being rescued from sex trade across the world.

Once I exited 7th Ave from the freeway it instantly brought back such a great feeling. It was the routine of going to onePlace. As I'm driving down Roosevelt I have a smile on my face thinking of the memories. I ask Dylan if he remembers going to our old church, to my surprise he said he didn't. I of course had to park at the church's parking lot because it is familiar. It is still empty, with our sign up and our candle holders still in the window. I get out of the car and realize that in another life I never would have felt safe parking here...how life has changed over the years. Once we get out of the car Dylan tells me that he does remember coming here & tries to open all the doors as we go to the front to peek in the window.

A night of good memories in a area of town that will always hold a special place in my heart.

Training Wheels - Gone!

Dylan learned to ride his bike this week without training wheels!

Cadence is walking - finally :) I love the hand on the hip

(14 months)

Positive!

Some of you know this already, baby #4 is on the way!!
I am 10 weeks along and it has been a rough few weeks but I am starting to feel better now.

Dylan was going to bed the other night and praying for the "baby growing in mommy's belly" and stops and asks if it is a boy or girl. I told him that we didn't know yet and he then said "well I want to name her Fluffy Friend or Pumpkin Pie". He is very aware this time and really understands that a baby will start moving soon and be born. Fun.

Grace

I received grace.
Thank you, Mark.

Fun with the kids

Mark loves this picture.

Dylan is learning to play frisbee. He is pretty good for a 4 year old

Cadence is close to walking...but not quite yet.

Birthday Fun

We had the kids' birthday party together this year.

We went roller skating, I think the adults had a lot more fun than the kids.

Cadence had sugar for the 3rd time in her life. :)

The video is a bit long...not sure how to edit it.

For Michelle

This post is just for Michelle. :) These is the gifts that she mailed for the kids and wanted her to see the videos I took...Files were too big for email.
More birthday pictures to come soon as we are having the party today!

Trust

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some pre-determined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of discernment of God acting in...the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered His presence and His promise.

Brennan Manning

New Pictures

Just started to stand on her own

Always helping when the dishwasher is open

At aquarium in Vegas.

On camping trip with his favorite "big boys", Jacob & Joel.

Video of kids dancing to Mark, Israel & Zack playing music.

Mark is on the drums...he is getting good. :)

So Funny!

We had people over tonight and Jacob & Joel brought Wii over. This is one of the best things I have seen in a long time.

Missing onePlace

Last night I visited a new church, it was good and different. It happened to be downtown really close to onePlace and I had some time to kill before I was meeting someone else so I decided to go inside one last time (I still have a key :)).

It was so empty, had water puddles on the floor from the last rain storm, quiet. I sat on the floor looking at the building, admiring the brick wall, thinking of all the memories from this building...

Dylan running around with the red truck knocking into all the chairs and people
Cadence with her wonderful filthy feet and knees from crawling on the never clean floor
Random chairs
Honest worship
Mark and I's first communion together after Lincoln's passing
Friendships
Hearing Laurie's voice singing (even when she wasn't leading)
Cleaning the awful bathrooms
Dylan's cross art project and him learning that Jesus dies for our sins
Reading new quotes on the bathroom walls
Hearing Jeremiah & Shelly sing Jesus loves me on a Sunday they lead church
Communion Feast
Witnessing Mark's volunerability and transformation
Knowing deep love for my family
Maggie's dedication
Pancake breakfast
Herberts birthday
Dylan dancing to songs of praise

The thoughts continue on...I stand with my arms out, tears running down my face and say I am grateful. Thank you God for the journey. It is met with the quietness of the building and a deep satisfaction in my heart.

My Son - The Drummer

We just bought the drum kit from the church and Dylan now plays all the time.

The first video is of him when we first starting bringing the pieces home but still hadn't brought the kick home yet. He created his own set all on his own...came in the room and found him this way.

Second video is after the kit is set up...I think he will be our rock star!

The kids and I got our 2 seconds of fame today. :)

http://gannett.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/gannett-phoenix-531-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=videopage&maven_referralPlaylistId=3f5a2e7427a195f16b4b1798a0d61f2318cb7e9d&maven_referralObject=799743775

Memories

Two years ago today my son passed away in the arms of Mark and I. The memory is so vivid. I can tell you everything that happened that morning the pain is just on the surface of my heart and is ready to boil over any time I think of this day.

There have been times of people saying to me "Lincoln has touched so many lives" and I feel like saying tell me who. Tell me what was worth my son passing away. For the first time last week someone let me know that because of Lincoln birth and sickness, she has seen and experienced God in a different way than she ever had before. That her life has been changed because of him. It was finally something worthwhile...

I miss my son. I wish I could remember his smell, I wish I had him to hold, I wish that we were having conversations & playing together, I wish I got to know his personality.

I am different for the rest of my life because of my precious son.
Memories are a little more sacred.
My heart can understand someone elses pain.
Love is sweeter.

I am changed...I think it is good.?

prayer struggle

since lincoln's sickness and passing away i have struggled a lot with prayer. to be honest i really haven't prayed since then. i didn't feel as though it would make a difference for a different outcome of a situation. i still struggle a lot with prayer but at least now i am at a point where i want to figure things out. i am reading a book called god on mute. it has been really fantastic for me.

was reading earlier and wanted to write things down hoping that it will help it stick with me.
god doesn't answer prayer because we live in a fallen world and life happens. why blame god for stuff that's just the reality of life on a messed up planet. I should maybe adjust my expectations, that way i can reduce my disappointment, isolation and unfairness that comes along with unanswered prayers. as long as i rage against the heavens i live impoverished in my pain. but when i allow my eyes to fall to the mire, i then discover a wealth of little epiphanies glimmering in puddles at my feet.

i believe that god is capable of doing miracles and most of the time chooses not to.
the christian witness and out ultimate hope is not merely a miraculous succession of miraculous escapes from all human affliction. rather it is the joy of a deepening relationship with the man of sorrows familiar with suffering who loves me and lives in me.

i am ready to start the deepening.

Give

It is hard for me to give in when I think I am right or have been wronged. Yesterday I did the opposite of how I was feeling and the outcome was good. I need to give more often.

Frustrated

ever have those times that it doesn't matter what you do, you still didn't do it right. that has been this month...sometimes i feel that it would be easier to just give up and stop trying.

Fear

Last night Dylan woke up crying...it wasn't a normal cry. I went to his room and he was a big sweat ball, eyes closed, stiff as a board, scream crying. I had no idea what was wrong, he wouldn't stop. I decided to take him to the bathroom just in case he had to go and he wouldn't even stand up without being wobbly. That is when the feeling of being scared came over me. There was something wrong and I couldn't figure it out, what if he was really sick and something was happening to him.

It is amazing how quickly my fear creeps back up and inside of me.

I finally had him come into bed with Mark and I. He stopped. Mark asked him if he was ok and he let out a whimper of yes. Are you sad? He answered yes about mommy and daddy. Marks response was mommy and daddy are here...i love you.

I then was angry that whatever dream that my son had dreamed was so intense that it caused him that much fear.

I asked Dylan in the morning if he remembered crying last night, he looked at me like I was crazy for saying such a thing and said no. I guess it is just me that will have to work past the fear.